3/365 - Something I've come to realize.

Monday - Me, repeating myself.

"I pray that this isn't the same, old, stupid cycle so many find themselves in where you end up blogging the same feelings in a few weeks."  There it is, I am quoting myself from last Sunday, April 4th, because that is exactly what happened.  I am a bit reluctant to say that I am going to make today "Day1" because I honestly, don't want to quote myself again!


So I am going to act like today is day 1, and that tomorrow is day 2, but I am not going to proclaim that I am back on it until I know I am back on it!! Maybe on "Day 10" I'll say something, better yet, maybe on "Day 21". (Don't they say it takes 3 weeks to create a habit?)  Because I don't want to have to type, "I pray that this isn't the same, old, stupid cycle so many find themselves in where you end up blogging the same feelings in a few weeks."  No one wants to read that any more than a person wants to live through it. I am not bitter, just a little frustrated and a wee bit hopeful!  :o)


This is what I did today:
Elliptical: 30 min @ level 10 
Hundred Push-up Challenge: Level 1 Day 1 (45 push-ups)

Hitting the wagon hard on Monday

Easter is over and if I look at another chocolate anything, I am going to die.  I think it's safe to say that my virus is entirely dead and I am ready to get back into a routine.  


It's amazing how quickly your body goes down hill when you stop exercising.  Mind you, I was sick for the most part of my break, but still.  I am a bit more flabby than before, my clothes aren't fitting the same, and my joints are feeling a wee bit, elderly.  Y-U-C-K!!  


Last year I got very close to a shape I wanted.  I was happy to be where I was, but I needed to do better.  My initial thoughts were accurate.  Although I was happy where I was health and shape wise, I was too close to being where I wouldn't want to be.  Some setbacks, a couple of virus' and I find myself in a dark place again.  Don't get me wrong, the same clothes still fit,they just feel and fit....differently.   


So here I am on the eve of getting back on the wagon.  I pray that this isn't the same, old, stupid cycle so many find themselves in where you end up blogging the same feelings in a few weeks.  I have faith and I am ticked.  (Never underestimate the power of being ticked)  It can be a strong motivator and if harnessed properly, it's enough to get you out of a rut.

My, that wagon is high...

It always dumbfounds me how we get into cycles in our lives.  All the different habits we have.  Some habits we just have and are indeed habits.  Other habits are newly founded and short lived.  Why do some stick and others so easily disappear?  When I was working out daily during the 365 day challenge I gave myself, it was such a habit I couldn't believe ever breaking it.  But the new year came, I soften up on my routine and the first virus I get wipes me out.  Please don't think I am complaining, I am not.  I am just in awe about how I find myself making excuses. I thought I was over that. Even tonight I find myself thinking that Monday would be a great day to get back on the wagon. Seriously?  I am using the "Wait until Monday" thinking? Just goes to show you that you can never be complacent. 

I am so very grateful for my earlier posts last year.  They are a great kick in the butt for me.  My blog is serving it's purpose, to remind and motivate me.  :o)

Push Up Update

So I was chuggin' along doing my push-up routine when week 4 hit.  (Week 4 is grueling!)  Between joint pain from doing 120 or so push-ups over 5 sets and a funky virus setting in, I was having a hard time.  Maybe the joint pain was from the virus??

Anyway, after a little beef about doing them "girly style" I have decided to do the challenge from the beginning with MANLY push-ups!   I did the repeat "Initial test" and ended up doing half as many as I did when I did the test girly style.  Honestly, I was surprised-I thought I would have done less!!  What a difference it makes when you take your knees off the floor.  I liked how I could REALLY feel it in my stomach.  I could feel it in my stomach before, but not quite this much.

So I am adjusting my older adventure and creating a new one in the process. We'll see what happens after a 3 week break and during week 4 of the program this time around.

The One Hundred Push Up site has a really great break down on training  and the iPhone app for it is AMAZING!  If you have an iPhone/iPod and you want to take this challenge, invest the $1.99 to get the app.  It's worth it!

Life is ALL about choices!

It certainly is, isn't it?  Should I workout today or wait until tomorrow?  Should I eat this apple or dive into that cookie?  Should I make good choices or bad choices?  Am I going to start today and do what I need to do to feel good or should I wait until tomorrow or Monday?  Life is about choices, always has been, always will be.

I have always been a black and white person, all or nothing.  Mediocracy and the grey area have never been in my nature.  Although in some areas this might be good, I am finding that it doesn't apply to everything.

In efforts to loose the last bit of weight and to create a lifestyle the invites health, I have learned that it can't be taken with an all or nothing attitude.  While an "all" attitude gets your workouts in and has you eating healthy and doing healthy behaviors, a person can burn out and can find themselves in the "nothing" attitude.  This attitude will undo all the good you did when you were doing the "all."  It creates a yo-yo of your life.  I spent well over a decade with this type of outlook.  I gained a lot more then I ever lost with this outlook as well.  All or nothing hasn't worked at all for me in my weight loss journey.

What I have found that has caused success isn't mediocracy either.  I never thought that I was living in the "gray area" either, I have realized that I HAVE been.  I have been doing well with the exercise and for the most part I have been eating well, but I need to do better.  Being in the grey area of things leaves you wanting to do better.  So in pondering recently, the thought of choices has become apparent.  You can be having a challenging day and you just want to do nothing at the end of it.  But here lies a choice.  Do you continue doing nothing being engulfed by the challenge of the day, or do you make a choice to do something else, something that gets you closer to your life's goals?  For instance, at the end of a day where the kids have been challenging, the house is a mess and I just want to do nothing, I have a choice.  Do I just sit on the couch and watch TV or get lost in a book and "relax" or do I do something that has me going to bed one step closer to my desired lifestyle?  I have the choice to workout and know I did something to get me closer to the goal of the lifestyle I want to create.  Nevermind that I didn't eat as well as I would have liked, or that I didn't fold the laundry or get some computer work done, I made the choice and worked out.  In that moment of decision, I decided to make a choice that brought me closer, not farther from my goals.

In life so often we are a victim of circumstance.  We just go through life and blame the things around us for not being or doing the things we want.  "I am too busy to focus on myself."  "If only I had more time." "If I had more money, time, health, space, happiness..." You fill in the blank.  This is easy to do and to get caught up in.  In life, I have learned, that you need to make the decision and then to make the choices that follow that decision.  It's our human nature to also sabotage ourselves.  We get used to a certain thing a certain schedule and we sabotage ourselves out of fear of what we could have. If you want something for yourself, you need to fight for it.  If you don't, you'll probably never achieve it.  In my life, if I want to have the lifestyle in which I dream of, it's not going to be handed to me and it's certainly not going to be easy or I would be living it right now.  I am going to have to fight for it.  I will have to make choices that bring me closer and avoid the ones that bring be farther.  We aren't stagnant in our lives.  We are either moving towards our goal or away from it, and it's always by choice.  If we are in a place we don't want to be, it's because we have chosen to be there through the choices we have made.

With this in mind, I find myself making better chioces.  By knowing that in every choice I am either getting closer or farther from my goal I must remember the decision I have made.  The decision to make choices that will bring me closer to my lifestyle goal.  Since I have made this decision to get closer to my goal, the choices will eventually get easier simply by the practice of doing so.  If I find a choice that is challenging, I will have to fight to achieve my goal.  The achievement of goals in life is not given, or stumbled across by accident, they are fought for.

Bring on 2010

A whole new year, full of possibilities! I think I have the regular working out habit solidly formed, but I need to amp things up this year! This Christmas I learned that although I might have overcome the working out regularly obstacle, I still have to work on my eating habits. For the most part, they are good, but that 190 pound lady can still be found inside from time to time. I was really surprised to find myself "feeling" heavy again. It really is a mental thing and if one isn't careful, they can sabotage themselves simply by giving into their feelings.

I keep saying this and I am using this as motivation. My weight is good, but I would like it to be better. For instance, in the morning, my BMI is "healthy" but by the time the evening comes my BMI is "Over weight." Talk about messing with the brain! I want my BMI to be "Healthy" no matter what time of day it is.

So for 2010, I am going to work at getting my brain in a healthy mode. To have my brain match my weight. There are days that my brain feels 190 and starts acting like it. I know this all sounds like crazy talk but it's true. When a person looses physical weight, they need to make sure they are loosing the mental weight too. Now I am not talking about emotional hang-ups and issues that can also act as "weight." I am talking about the perceptions we have of ourselves.

If you have gone decades being a certain body type, you get used to eating, exercising, shopping and living in that body type. I see this happen to others - it happened to me! You get on a program or you do something that works and the weight drops. You are surprised because you can't believe it actually worked. Then you find yourself in unfamiliar territory. Clothes fit. Your body feels good. Things are just different, different for the good of course! But if you are still seeing the world through an overweight perception, you will find yourself back at the familiar weight when you get off the program or start changing the habits that gave you success. It happens all the time!!

So this year, I am going to keep with the daily workouts (minus Sundays) and going to amp them up a bit. For that last part of the year, being so busy, I just didn't have my 30 minutes to exercise in the evening so I started to bump up the level and cut back on the time-level 15 for 15 minutes. (This works great in building muscles) but after the holidays I need to focus on the cardio. I just "feel" so heavy! So I am going to keep the level up and now also bump up the time. My goal is to start February doing 30 minutes at level 15. I love a good book and when I don't have time to read I try to do two things at once, workout and read. A good book keeps me on the elliptical longer by passing the time and I can get some good reading in too. It's a win-win!

I am also going to try to purge my body of sugar by reducing it dramatically. The holidays can be so indulgent with the sugar. I need to get rid of these cravings!!

So my big goal of 2010 is to have an OFFICIAL "AFTER" picture to share on this blog. One that I am proud of where my body and brain match in weight with a healthy BMI 24/7!!

Day 365 - I DID IT!!

WOW!! A whole year has passed since I started this crazy goal! I honestly can't believe how quickly time passes in a year. When I was a child, a year seemed like a decade, now a year seems like what a month used to be.

Anyway, it's a bittersweet day! I was a little bummed because I have pretty much maintained my weight the last 6 months. Am I complaining, NO WAY! But I don't have an "after" photo to share today. I think I may have lost focus. The goal at the beginning of the year was to workout 365 days in a row. That was it. I made no mention to weight because weight wasn't the focus. Had I hoped it would effect my weight in a positive manner, sure. But it wasn't the focus and I knew it couldn't be because when you focus on something that naturally fluctuates, you can loose sight of the goal.

Tonight, after I finished my workout I walked out to a bunch of cheering when I walked into the living room. My hubby reminded me of the success that I achieved, success which I may have missed if it weren't for my family to remind me. Dang! I worked out 365 days in a row, rain or shine, traveling or home bound, sick or healthy!! That IS an accomplishment even if I am not feeling it right now.

2010 is the beginning of a new decade and this is going to be the year that I continue with what I started. I plan on continuing my daily workouts, minus Sundays. So I really can't make another 365 days in a row goal or a 730 day goal either. But I can say that I learned a lot this year. The biggest thing is that if I can workout daily and watch my portions, I can have a weight that I am happy with. Simple.

I am going to continue to blog my progress. I have more things to learn and share because as the title of this blog states, it's my weight loss journey, and I am not to my goal weight yet. Being at the upper end of a healthy BMI is like playing with fire. I want to be in a healthy range that is strong.

Happy New Year!! May 2010 bring many blessings to all!

Day 350 - A Journey With No Ending (A Personal Discovery)

FINALLY, my 3 week virus has finally died a permanent death! I have learned a lot during this time that I wanted to share.

1. My body and appetite are directly effected by my exercise program. While I was sick, I lightened my workout and ate often. During this time of year, eating often isn't a good thing. I haven't binged, but if you take a bite of all the yummy things you are given or make, it tends to add up. With these two things happening, I noticed the scale starting to creep! I am grateful that my mentality now is that if the scale starts to creep, I get back into my good habits and it creeps back down. Before, I would just say, "Whatever", continue eating and doing what I was doing that brought on the extra weight and just not look at the scale for a time since I knew it was going up. Needless to say, if I don't workout, I will not be able to maintain and I will most certainly gain weight. Maintenance is NOT an option if I am not working out.

2. Even though I have worked out every day in 2009, lost 40 pounds and gained a body I can be happy about, I have found naughty eating patterns slipping back! When I realized this I was thinking, "What the heck? Have I learned nothing??" It became apparent to me that this journey doesn't have an ending, it's a journey for life. I can be thin and doing the things that bring health, but inside me, there is always that part that if left unchecked, will cause weight gain and will enjoy unhealthy behaviors. Which leads me to #3.

3. I ALWAYS NEED TO BE ON MY GUARD!! If not, bad behaviors will creep back when illness or stress are experienced. This realization is what brought me to the computer tonight. When I first started this journey and decided to make better food choices so I could loose weight, I was in the mindset to make good choices, to do the things needed to loose weight. To find the tricks and substitutes needed to bypass those things that would prevent me from being unsuccessful. As months went by, and these new behaviors became routine, I didn't have to think so much about it. They were positive habits, things that were coming naturally and that would give me the results I liked. I entered the holiday season with a plan, but the mindset wasn't there. I got cocky and didn't really think so much about the decisions that needed to be made to continue weight loss. I find myself today, with a plateful of Christmas cookies. I didn't down a bunch like I normally would have, but I did use a knife and take a taste of each of them. Those little bites add up! I didn't use the technique I used to use when I would stop, take a moment and think about what it would taste like and realize that I didn't really want it after all. That is a necessary thing to do this time of year because there is just TOO much good stuff. You CAN'T take little bites because when you have 12 things you take a bite of, it's like eating a few! Any other time of year, a bite or two of something would be fine, but this is the season where there is just too much.

So I end this post with a reminder to myself, never let your guard down, never search for that light at the end of the tunnel, and NEVER, NEVER, EVER take your foot off the elliptical for more than 24 hours.

Day 336 - A Little Kettlebell

Since I accept the fact that I will unlikely loose 8 pounds this month, that doesn't mean I don't have a plan. A dear friend of mine got some wonderful results from adding Kettlebell to her workout. I am going to add it to mine and try to firm up a bit this month. There are a ton of videos online that show kettlebell exercises. No matter what, you build muscle when you use them!

Today I have had some fierce cravings for some sweets. I had sweets over Thanksgiving weekend, and with leftovers, a few now and then the last few days. I have learned that it takes a few days to get it out of your system. Sugar is really an addictive substance because you crave it when you don't have it. Luckily, it's not hard to kick if you are at home, have no plans to leave and there aren't any sweets in the house. By tomorrow the cravings will subside, or at least lesson.

I now look at sugar and know that I will have to battle the cravings later. Understanding how sugar effects your body gives you information to use to your advantage later. So much better than wondering why I have such cravings. I used to hate to have such strong cravings I couldn't really control. I felt out of control and I would eat so much because of it. Now, understanding what sugar does, I can control IT much better. I can stay in control and keep my weight where I want it.

Day 335 - You CAN have your cake and eat it too...

...only have a few bites!  Seriously!  There is no reason to ever deprive yourself of the things you enjoy to eat.  The quantity, yes!  You can't fill yourself with your favorite foods AND be healthy.  PERIOD. It's not going to happen.  Either you want to do the things to bring health. Or you don't.  If you are not able to control the amounts of food you consume, you are accepting your current state of health.  You have agreed to stay there too.

With our bodies and the desire for weight loss, our mind is more powerful than we give it credit.  It plays tricks on us.  We play tricks on it.  We try to fool ourselves and say that "tomorrow I will do better."  If you say this, you are basically saying that right now isn't a good time.  That you are not worth the time or the effort.  Waiting until tomorrow is procrastination.  Think about it.  If you REALLY want to do something about your health, if that desire is true, then right now is the time to make the change.  Anything other than "right now" means you aren't serious with taking care of yourself.  So the next question would be, why?  Why are you not worth the effort right now?  I have found myself saying these same questions to myself.  Some days, I don't want to hear it.  Other days, I ponder, try to figure it out, and usually, I have the ability to do better "now."

Over the last few days, getting back into my typical workout and making better food choices, I lost that extra weight I found during Thanksgiving. :o) I am starting to believe myself that it really isn't that hard to maintain if you only listen to yourself.  Stop ignoring the inner voice that wants to make good choices.  I had such a hard time before because I didn't want to hear myself.  I would give myself excuses why now isn't the right time to do better and how tomorrow would be.  There is so much psychology in weight loss and health maintenance.  I honestly believe that if we are honest with ourselves, we can overcome many of the obstacles that we have put there.  But if we aren't honest with ourselves, we are working against ourselves, and that doesn't work when trying to achieve a better lifestyle.

One of the biggest hangups I had when I was going through my life in a binge state, was looking at foods as being "bad" and "good."  When having a bad day, how easy is it to justify eating the "bad" foods?  You had a bad day, you deserve to relax and have some of the food that makes you feel good.  Honestly, if you have had a bad day, eating a bunch of carrots and brocolli isn't going to cut it.  But if there isn't such a thing as "bad" and "good" in foods, how much more free you are when a bad day comes around!  That alone will help free up brain space to deal with the day itself.  No guilt because you jammed a half a dozen of the nearest cookie down your throat.  If a cookie makes you happy and feel better, enjoy your cookie!  1 cookie won't make you gain weight, 1 cookie won't keep you from loosing weight either.  It's the ones you eat after that one that cause the trouble.  Sometimes, when I have had the kind of day where I used to binge after the kids are in bed, I now just have a bite of something, if anything at all and then I go do my workout.  After my workout, any desire for food is usually gone.  If not, just have a bite.  Seriously.  I know that the saying goes to "replace negative behaviors for positive" and I agree with that.  But often times, when you are just getting started on your journey, or if you have partially or even completely fallen off the wagon, that isn't easy and it's the little hang-ups that make it hard to get started or to continue.  I spent years saying "I'll do better tomorrow" and tomorrow took years to come.  So if you are starting to be serious and ready to make the changes needed to get on your journey and stay there, cut yourself some slack and take things slow.  Slow and steady wins the race.

I really would like to finish my secondary goal of loosing 10 more pounds before the end of the year, but realistically, it most likely won't happen.  I have 31 days, it's the holidays, life is beyond busy, and if even one virus gets into the house, there is no way I'll be able to focus on such a goal.  Just the pressure of the goal itself is enough to make me want to eat.  So, I'll give it a good effort, maybe I'll reach the goal, probably won't, and I am okay with the outcome because I am okay with where I am.  Take the pressure away and you have more control.  Just getting through December at my current weight is a huge accomplishment and I can't discredit myself for that. 

So you CAN have your cake and eat it too.  Enjoy a few bites and get moving!!  Who wouldn't want to enjoy the foods they like AND wear the size and have the health they truly desire?  It is possible and I am proving it to myself each day!!

Day 315 - A Few Tips on How to Avoid Overeating

I like to eat.  In the past I have often overate and at times binged.  It would be easy for me to make my past actions present.  Every day I need to make a conscience decision to keep those habits in the past.  How have I been able to do it?  The following are a few things that are working for me:

1. I have to make the conscience (not passive) decision to want to take care of my body.  I need to make a firm decision that I am going to make good decisions. I have to literally tell myself that I want to do better in my eating, to eat in a manner that I need to so I can stay healthy. If I don't, I am passively giving myself permission to have one more day of bad food choices, overeating and feeling like a failure.  Back in those days of struggle, I would scream it to myself and often times, I would ignore it.  As each day passes, my internal voice doesn't have to be as loud either. Now, I can just think it, "Good choices." 

2. I need to give myself a split second to think about what I am going to eat when it's something that tempts me.  I used to hear it all the time in my WW meetings.  "Visualize what you want to achieve.  Visualize what you are eating.  Visualize.  Visualize. Visualize."  Used to make me crazy!!  I thought, if I am going to think about that brownie so much, of course I am going to eat it!!  But this year, I finally got it.  It clicked.  I made visualization work!  I first noticed back in March.  I had just started to make some progress loosing a few pounds.  We were at a social event and they were serving one of my most favorite desserts, and it was HOMEMADE. It is easier for me to avoid fake, processed treats, but when it's homemade?  That is my weakness.  They were serving brownies with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge.  At first I panicked.  How was I going to make it through this?  I had been so good but I felt like I was on the edge, that on any moment, with the right temptation, I was going to loose it and return to that dark place I was at the beginning of the year.  Suddenly my mind worked for me.  For a split second I visualized how I would feel after I ate the whole thing.  That milky coating on my tongue. That sweet overload of the senses when the spoon flops into the empty bowl.  The guilt of knowing I just lost control...again.  After passing through those feelings, that brownie sundae no longer held me in it's control.  I felt empowered.  I didn't want to feel like I knew I was going to feel.  I also knew if I deprived myself, my sense of control could snap and I could just loose it.  So I asked my son for a bite of his.  That was one delicious bite...and that was all I needed.  For the rest of the evening, I was satisfied, complete.  That brownie sundae no longer mattered. Now when faced with a temptation, I take that split second to really visualize, and I can find the control needed to make the choice that brings health and keeps me in my new jeans. :o)

3. Working out during my trouble time really helps to control the munchies.  My most challenging time of day with eating is after dinner.  I used to pack in nearly a days worth of calories after dinner during the time I was trying to "relax" from my day.  When I hop on my elliptical soon after dinner, that workout completely curbs any cravings.  I have also learned that if I can wrap myself up into something with my hands during my trouble time, I am completely distracted.  A good book, a crochet or any craft project for that matter, will keep my hands busy and my mouth empty too.

Day 313 - 2 Pounds Closer!

I really didn't expect this, but when I hopped on the scale, it was down 2 more pounds!  I just had to share!  This time of the year is so hard to focus on losing weight.  The weather is cooler, so baking is much more inviting.  The holiday season is picking up so there are more reasons for treats and fun foods you aren't typically around. 

I admit that I have been eating more than I would like to.  I am not binging, but I haven't been passing on the sweets.  The only thing different from last year to this year is that I am still exericsing every day.  Can maintenence at a healthy weight really be as easy as exercising daily?  If so, then you'll find me doing it everyday because I like to eat and I am really liking my new shape.  I can go to any store I like and actually find something I want to wear.  This is a new concept, it's convenient and it's healthy on the mind too.

So looking back on this post Halloween week to see why I lost 2 pounds, I have learned that if you can keep your body moving, it will work with you.  When you are ignoring your body's need to move and exercise, it totally works against you.  It really is all about exercise and eating moderatly.  Although I enjoyed Halloween, the rest of the week I had my simple breakfast of bran and simple lunch.  I didn't snack because I was just too busy to do so.  Dinner was typical, but with the weather changing, I even had a little bigger servings.  Although I exercised daily, I did something different, and maybe this was the reason.  This week was so busy that I found myself using the excuse, "I am tired and I don't really want to workout. Instead of doing 30 minutes, I'll do 15  and crank up the resisitence."  Maybe 15 minutes at level 15 is as effective as 30 minutes at level 10?  The ellipitical works those large leg muscles which do burn the most calories.  Maybe that is an effective substitute?

I think one of the most interesting things about this journey are the things I have learned along the way.  I hope you have been able to learn a little from my experience as well.  Have a wonderful day!

Day 301 - Amazing What a Year Can Do

This morning I woke up and there was definately a change in the weather!  I love living in California!!  It seems like you get just enough of a season, and then it changes!  The garden is nearly done, the trees and grapevines are slowly changing colors and loosing their leaves.  This is my most favorite time of the year!  I love the color, the temperature and the excitement of the anticipating holidays that are coming up.

So this morning, I need to find something that was warmer than shorts and a shirt.  I had to dig in the closet for my sweats.  As I did so, I remember them being tight from last year.  I dreaded putting them on and then I remember I am a lot lighter than I was last year.  (Yea, I was still sleepy when I was getting dressed) I then got excited to see how everything fit!  I have a few things that are going to Goodwill because they are just not going to work!  Other items, items I wasn't able to squeeze in last year went on effortlessly.  :o)  I saw my reflection in the mirror and I was actually pleased with what I saw.  ???  I don't think I have ever really been "pleased" with my reflection before!!  Seriously!!  Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not claiming perfection, or even "doneness" with my journey, uh-uh, no way!  What I am saying is that I wasn't completely repulsed by it.  For the last couple of decades, I wouldn't look in the mirror at my body.  What was the point?  Don't want to start the day depressed!  So I do find myself taking peeks now and then and it's fun to be surprised.  I still have a little ways to go.  I swear the next 10 pounds will soley come off my backside, so I know there will be a big change there when I am finished. But it's nice to look in the mirror and feel happy or at least hopeful for a change.  That is certainly something to get used to I have to say.  You wouldn't think so, but after spending sooooooo long not liking your reflection, it is strange to feel at peace with it.

What made me feel compelled to write this morning was that I started to think about the last year.  It hasn't been quite a year that I started my journey.  In fact, last year at this time I just had a baby and I was absolutely hating the way I physically felt!  I had baby blues, probably PPD because it took over a year to shake it, and there are some days I think it's lingering around.  But what a difference a year makes!!!  Seriously!  My physical body has done a 180 since last year.  Has it been hard?  I wouldn't think so.  Just have to keep going.  Take one day at a time.  Don't stop and don't give in.  One foot after the other.  As I mentioned before, I am soooo not done yet, so I really shouldn't be reflecting on the year yet, but I just had to take time and share my thoughts.  A year is a long time and they seem to be flying by faster each year.  Years for me now seem a lot shorter then they did when I was a kid.  But a year is a long enough time to make drastic changes in your life whether it's physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.  We just can't underestimate what can be done in a year.

Day 295 - Funny, Silly, Female Brain

Seriously, why are our brains constantly messing with us?  Why do our eyes fail us?  This week I have been feeling a little like I used to.  I swear I feel like I have gained a few pounds.  I look in the mirror, the reflection is the same.  I hop on the scale, it also hasn't changed.  I put on my clothes, nothing new.  So what is the deal??

When I used to feel like this I would just eat whatever I felt like, in large quantities.  It was almost like I was punishing myself for being overweight.  The thought was, "Well, I'm overweight, I feel like poo, may as eat things that taste divine.  I would ignore my better judgement and just eat.  Sometimes I would crave and unless I ate what I was craving, I would just keep eating.  I remember eating salty popcorn and then crave something sweet, brownies.  Then after that, I would want something salty, chips.  Then later, ice cream...  It was sad and I never did that when anyone was around because I would have been incredibly embarrassed. 

When I did Weight Watchers a few years ago, I was successful in loosing weight there, but I always felt on the edge. Like at any time I could slip and just go overboard.  (Which I did after having my 3rd baby)  Looking back and thinking about my WW experience, I was loosing weight, but I didn't change the habits.  There were nights where I would start with salty popcorn in a measured amount, then I would move onto a serving of fat free brownie cookies, then I would go back to the popcorn (let's face it, low fat chips taste like paper) and then I would move on to "Skinny Cow" ice creams."  On a rough day I would save a lot of my points just so I could gorge at night on junk.  I stayed within my point range, I lost weight, but I did it by beating the system.  But did I? When you try to beat the weight loss journey, it always comes back to bite you in the bum.  In my case, by adding everything I ate to my bum!  :o)

So I am learning that there are times are brain just freaks out for no reason!  We just feel heavy. We are females, with cycles and as soon as you accept that our bodies are not our own, the battle is easier because you stop fighting it and start to learn to listen to it.  By listening to our bodies, we can begin to work with it.  What I am hearing is that I need to refocus on what I am eating and to start thinking about my portions.  This is the time of year where there are lots of wonderful foods, warm foods, gooey foods.  I am a picker, and if I am not careful I could pick myself into a few extra pounds.  My game plan?  Don't take my eating for granted.  I need to focus and think before I eat.  Make my plate and don't go back for seconds.  If I am snacky, find something healthy that will curb the appetite.  DRINK MY WATER!!!

SIDE NOTE: A new snack that I am loving!  You can't eat a ton, and if you eat more than you would like, not a biggie, because it's a tomato after all.  Dehydrated tomatoes from my garden nearly taste like candy. They have a strong, sweet, savory flavor so after a few you are done with snacking.  Such an unexpected delight!

Day 294 - Old Navy Experience

Yesterday I had an interesting experience I wanted to share.  I had a Dr. appointment near a local Old Navy and I thought I would go in really quick to grab some jeans for my kids.  While there I thought I would try on some jeans myself.  I have always had a hard time finding jeans.  My body is just uniquely shaped and it's impossible to find jeans that fit perfectly.  To fit my hips, there is always way too much room in the waist.  To fit my waist, well, I can't clear my bum to get the jeans to my waist.

As I walked to the dressing rooms, the anxiety I felt was strong.  Flashbacks from the days that I would go to Target and not be able to find anything that I liked that would fit.  The horrible feelings I used to have of my body because I needed clothes and couldn't find anything at the local Target.  It was always such a dilemma because I never had the time to go anywhere that had a Lane Bryant or department store  that had bigger sizes.  Those days I would just go home and fill myself.  Yes, it was a catch 22 and a downward spiral for me.

So I am in the Old Navy dressing room and the thought occurred to me that I have never been able to fit into Old Navy jeans.  Either they were so big in the waist you could see my bum when I bent over or so snug that I couldn't get them on.  I was hoping that this time would be different.  To my surprise, they fit and they were comfortable.  Now, the whole disproportion issue is still in play, they were roomy in my waist, but manageable with a longer shirt.  I  have faith that the next 10 pounds will fix that right up.  I am just excited to have a pair of jeans from Old Navy that fit and are comfortable.  I am super thrilled that I can now do some online shopping for myself!  I couldn't before because my size would range so largely that it was exhausting to try to hit the right size.  Right now I am between a 10-12.  I am happy with that.  Of course I would love to be an 8, but I am not going to be picky.

Trying to get the last 10 has been hard.  The weather has changed and I just love to cook and bake.  Allrecipes has such great things to bake.  I am excited though, because without any effort, I have been able to eat what I like and be able to maintain!!  This is huge!  I will need to bump up the efforts to get a little lower, but it's such a relief to know that I have found an eating and exercise regimen that is flexible and effective.

Day 279 - Unexpected Benefit of my Goal

Yesterday, in efforts to expand our garden area, we pulled some grapevines out.  (We live in the middle of my parents vineyard) My father and husband used a forklift to pull the vines out, the kids and I watched in excitement.  After that was done, I jumped in to help clear the field.  The vines aren't too heavy, maybe 25 pounds or so, but they are awkward to carry.  We had a routine going.  My husband would cut the thick wires (I had a hard time not having enough hand strength-what can I say, I have girly hands!) that once held the vines to the trellis and I carried them to a big pile. (Notice how small the full sized tractor looks next to the pile?  Yea, it's a big pile!) I nearly stacked this whole pile myself too!  When the pile was done, we went through and collected all the steel stakes, along with the kids, and made a pile of those too. It took a few hours to complete the entire task.  Every so often, it's good for the soul to do hard labor.  I was tired, and I thought for sure that I would be very sore today.

Upon waking this morning, to my surprise, I am not sore!!  Not a bit!!  I am really surprised and just had to blog about it!!  I know that working out and losing weight has benefits, there are many obvious ones.  But the benefit I am seeing this morning is one I didn't see coming.  Being in shape gives us an opportunity to do more with our bodies without paying for it.  I still can't believe I am not sore and stiff, what a blessing of the goal!