Sunday, December 30, 2012

Getting Ready For the New Year

*knocks on screen* Remember me? Yep, I may just be one of the worst bloggers, ever.  I can't believe it's been 6 months since I last posted! How is that even possible? I even have a Blogger app on my phone to make it easier--so much for relying on the app. 

I have to admit, when I looked at the date of my last post, I giggled.  Like literally.  Why?  Because it's just about the SAME time when I was asked to step up from being PSO Treasurer (think PTA) to PRESIDENT! Yep, that's me.  From what I've heard from other mothers, being PTA/PTO/PSO President is a lot of hard work and it takes a lot of time.  But what I've learned is that being the president the first year of the organization's history in a charter school that just started it's second year is beyond time consuming!  Now, don't think I'm complaining, I'm not.  I'm soooo not. I am beyond grateful for this opportunity and actually enjoy every hour I spend at the school and at home on the phone/computer.  I'm just stating a fact. It takes a lot of time, time away from other focuses.

So, maybe I'm not the worst Blogger. I've been legit busy, but I could have possibly snuck a post in here and there the last few months, right? Maybe? Was I that busy?  Based on friend's reactions, I guess I was.

Now, down to business--weight loss business.  I was doing pretty good this year, despite the relocation to a new school, town, house, etc.  The scale said I was, although I felt that I was eating whatever I pretty much wanted. I really was doing well as I look back. For two months over the summer, I didn't eat any man made carbs, and it felt fabulous! But the weirdest thing happened, and I'm still analysing it to understand the, why

Around early autumn I learned something that took me by surprise.  I needed to get new pants, the size I was wearing was 18.  So when I went to the store, I tried on 18s and they were HUGE.  So I tried on 16s, still huge.  I finally realized I'm actually a size 14.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  Like really. Looked. At. Myself.  And I discovered I saw myself much heavier than I actually was.  It was a real eye opener. 

Then, do you know what happened?

After being excited over this new reality, the holidays kicked in.  And you know what I did? I ate.  Like, really ate.  Like, pretty much anything that was in front of me, I ate--no restraint whatsoever.  In the back of my subconscious mind--at the place where you think you are in control, but really, you aren't--I found myself saying, "You've done well.  You've pretty much eaten what you like all year and you've maintained.  Eat this.  Eat that. You'll be okay."

So I did.  

What kind of crazy talk is that?!  It's like the whole devil on one shoulder with the angel on the other.  In my case, I swear my devil took out my angel with a huge cream puff grenade, because she was nowhere to be found.  She's been mute. During the season starting with Halloween, I just ate whatever was there because "I was size 14."  I swear I'm insane.  When I feel heavy, I tend to eat less.  But as soon as I feel like I'm in control, I soon find myself going out of control.

So, here I am at the end of 2012 and I'm not sure what goals to make.  Or if I should even make any since it's such a great opportunity for sabotage.  Maybe I should go in half effort to fool myself into doing better.  I don't know. After 30+ years of playing this game, I'm tired and I think that weight control, for some, is literally something that can put you in the loony bin.  I know what it takes.  I know it's not complicated.  I know I have the ability to do it.  So how is it that I'm ending this year "fluffy" as ever?

All I can say is this, and I make no promises, but I have one year until I'm 40. One. And I'll be darned if I begin the next decade of my life unhappy with the way I look, but mostly with the way I feel. I want to shop and have a closet filled with cute clothes, not with old familiars that are faded and getting holey because "I don't want to buy big clothes when I'm just about to get smaller."  I want to feel cute.  I've had 4 kids, and I've forgiven myself for not looking my best, I've allowed myself to be in "progress." I have no excuse now.  My baby is about to start school and I have run out of excuses.  It's all me. Now, I just need to get my focus in check, and make 2013 the year I stop the insanity. I'm seriously tired of being a yo-yo.  I'm seriously tired of this game.  You probably think I've gone insane.  Maybe I have? I want to focus on something else.